The power of an I-message

Sometimes the simplest and most effective communication tool starts with the word "I".

While I have spent much of my professional life teaching this tool to children, recently, I was reminded that adults are also learning this tool, or perhaps have never learned it. An "I message" conveys someone's feelings, thoughts, and needs from their own perspective. It is non judgemental and doesn't assign blame to others or sound accusatory. "I messages" are most effective when stated in calm tones when one is not in an intense emotional state. Often when we encounter conflict or challenges, humans tend to state things like "you didn't.... or you never.... or you made me angry because..." For example, many of us might relate to the simple and common scenario where we state to a family member something like: "You didn't do the laundry, and I'm tired of doing it all the time". When we flip that statement to an "I message" we are more likely to have someone listen to us, and respond without escalating the challenge. What if instead, the statement sounded like this: "I feel frustrated and annoyed when the laundry was not done, and I hope you could help me more with it". It's important to have awareness that we can't control how others receive our "I messages" nor might we consistently get the outcomes for which we hope. At the same time, when we use "I messages" we have stated our wishes or needs in simple and productive ways. We have advocated for ourselves. We have communicated rather than held our frustrations inside. The more we practice and use them, the more others will hear and process them, and there is less escalation. We all can continue to work on this important communication skill and teach them to our children. "I messages" aren't just for challenges! Use an "I message to express gratitude or appreciation". "I feel great when you read my blogs, and appreciate any feedback you have!" Go ahead and practice! Use an "I message" today for a positive message or a challenging one or both!