Let's talk about the "B" word

I am passionate about educating students and parents about the "B" word- bully. The term bully is often misunderstood and misused.  It is a common word in media to which our children are exposed.  Books and movies often portray bullies as big, mean, and physical.   It can be challenging to counter the societal image and stereotype of bullies.  At the same time, it is important that we all do so, because labeling a person as a bully is harmful to communities. 

Bullying is defined as a pattern of behavior repeated over time, targeted towards an individual, and includes a power differential (someone is older or bigger or stronger or in a more powerful position).  

Experts on bullying also suggest not labeling a student as a bully or victim. Instead, call it bullying and/or victim behavior that the student is exhibiting.

The following are some examples of bullying behaviors when they are repeated, targeted, and a power differential exists.  

1.  Saying hurtful and unpleasant things

2.  Making fun of others

3. Using mean and hurtful nicknames

4.  Completely overlooking someone

5.  Deliberately excluding someone from a group of friends

6. Anything physical 

7.  Telling lies

8.  Spreading false rumors

9.  Sending mean notes

10. Trying to get other students to dislike another person

Instead of using the word bullying inaccurately, we can provide our children with more specific language because doing so helps everyone in a community with understanding and repair.  Our accurate language use helps encourage children to develop self advocacy skills to stop hurtful behavior.  Children can say phrases such as “He is teasing me in a hurtful way.”   “That was an unkind, harmful or hurtful comment or action.”   “That did not feel like a joke or playful teasing”  

Reporting/Upstander

Another societal concept we need to all help counter is the idea of a “tattle tale”.  It is vital that we provide the space and mindset in our communities to help children understand the differences between “tattle tale” and “reporting/upstander behavior”.   Reporting should always happen when there is emotional or physical danger or safety issues.  Reporting should always happen when a child cannot handle this type of challenge by themselves.  Reporting is necessary when there is harm so that the harm stops, and everyone involved gets the support they need.  

If we accept words such as “I’m fine” “ it’s fine” “don’t say anything”,  when we believe there is harm, we may be unintentionally supporting bystander behavior.  Bystander behavior has more serious consequences as children age.  Supporting young children with reporting skills is helpful for their futures.  

Upstanding can be easy, and have great consequences for a community with a “snowball” effect.   Upstander behavior doesn’t have to be verbal.  Upstanding can be a simple action, making partnerships, or getting help.  We are not encouraging children to put themselves in danger as an upstander. Asking for help is a good choice. Keep in mind that one cannot control how a person will respond to upstander behavior, but one can control doing what feels safe and helpful in communities. 

Repair 

Children at all ages develop, mature, test boundaries, and learn from mistakes.  It is expected that they will make mistakes with each other.  This is why a restorative, not punitive, approach is so important for creating safe and inclusive communities  Repairing a relationship and repairing a mistake can be accomplished through many types of actions, not just words.

Parents: How can you help when you hear the word bully or hear your child talk of another peer who is mean to them?

• Use terms such as teasing, and bullying in correct ways 

• Assess together with teachers whether the behavior matches the true definition of bullying

• If bullying truly is happening, report it, and work in partnership to get support and stop the behavior

• Ask your child open ended questions:  “interview” for power not pain 

        “ interviewing” for power refers to focusing on open ended questions and positive experiences

         “Interviewing” for pain refers to focusing on questions such as “Was ___ mean to you today?” 

• Counter the societal notion of a tattle tale - encourage reporting as needed and self advocacy - role play to help your child practice

• Encourage upstander behavior

• Encourage repair work 

• Encourage your children to give everybody a chance to make mistakes, and have a mindset that kids grow, change, mature, learn, and improve. 

Resources for further reading

Interview for Power Not Pain

Why it's a Bad Idea to Interview for Pain

The Differences Between Teasing and Bullying