Navigating Birthday Party Challenges with Kids

With a new school year well under way, our calendars quickly fill with play dates, school events, fundraisers, parent socials, and birthday parties.. Parents often ask me how to handle the sometimes tricky dynamics around birthday parties. We can all use some help navigating the social challenges, conflicts, and emotions that arise for both children and adults.

I've been there myself. I recall one time where another parent was upset with me over a carpool situation., Rather than working it out respectfully, she let her frustration spill over into our kids' friendship. Her daughter ended up not inviting mine to her 4th grade birthday party - something that, under normal circumstances, would not have happened.a We didn't have social media then, but, of course, word spread, pictures were shown, and my daughter was crushed. I was left wondering: What could I say to her? How could I support her while also dealing with my own hurt and frustration?

These experiences bring up many big questions for all of us:

What can we do to support our children's social and emotional growth?

How do we help them navigate tough feelings and fixed mindsets?

What can we say when they aren't invited or when they don't want to include someone else?

When Your Child Isn't Invited

Whether you know the reason or not, here are a few ways to guide your children through disappointment.

1. Acknowledge their feelings. Recognize and validate all feelings whether it is sadness, anger, or confusion. Work with your child to put their feelings into words. and help them with their mindset. Instead of thinking "Nobody likes me, and I'll never be their friend again.", help them reframe to "I'm really sad and mad, and I don't understand, but it's going to be ok".

2. Build resilience. Disappointment is a typical part of life. Learning to persevere through tough moments builds their grit and emotional acuity for future challenges.

3. Practice perspective and empathy. Remind your child that there may be reasons that they don't know. You might say "We may never understand why, and that's really hard, but we take care of ourselves, and move forward". Modeling uncertainty and acceptance shows that parents don't have all of the answers, and that's okay.

4. Model moving on. Show your child it is possible to have big feelings, and not hold grudges.

When Your Child Doesn't Want to Invite Someone

Another common challenge is when your child wants to invite everyone or almost everyone in their class - except one classmate. This is an opportunity to practice inclusion, kindness, understanding, and perspective taking.

Here are some strategies:

1. Encourage empathy. Ask your child "imagine if you were one of the only classmates not invited to a party? How would you feel?"

2. Model inclusivity. You might say "I understand that you have had some hard experiences with this classmate. A birthday party can be a fresh start. Can you give them another chance in a different setting?"

3. Make a plan. If your child is worried about something happening at the party, plan ahead. "What could you do?" "How might I support you?" Having a plan supports your child's sense of security and confidence.

4. Consider flexibility. If your child is truly unwilling to include a particular classmate, it may be best to host a smaller party so that nobody in the class feels excluded.

Birthday parties are both small moments and include big lessons on empathy, perspective taking, resilience, inclusion, and kindness. As parents, we might not have all the answers, and some of our suggestions might not work, but we can be in partnership with our children to model healthy ways to navigate tricky situations, and use these moments as opportunities rather than hardships.