Social Emotional Learning for Adults part 4: Active Listening for Understanding

This week’s focus is on active listening, and acknowledging others. 

Let’s start with the concept of active listening.  I think this symbol is very cool!  It is the Chinese symbol for the word “listen”.  Notice that listening contains several parts.

• We listen with our eyes, which doesn’t always mean direct eye contact, but it means showing that you are thinking about the person with your eyes - thinking with your eyes, facing towards a person. 

• We listen with our ears to not only hear others, but also to pay attention to what they are saying. 

• We listen with our hearts, which means we are opening ourselves up, showing we care about what someone says.

• We listen with undivided attention, which means focusing only on one thing - listening without talking to others or interrupting. 

• We listen with our minds - we think about what others are saying, and we respond. 

Active listening for understanding requires our hearts, ears, eyes, minds and our undivided attention.  

 "What is the difference between listening for understanding and simply listening?

When we hear others or listen to others, we might hear what people say, but we might not be thinking about it, or maybe we are distracted. 

On the other hand, active listening is an intentional action.  When we listen for understanding, we focus only on that person, we respond to the person, we listen without doing other things at the same time, and we show active listening with our bodies, and eyes.  

Active listening requires effort, practice, and time.  Active listening requires us to have the appropriate mindset to engage. In other words, it is really challenging to actively listen to others when we are not in our “cool down” state.  It can feel uncomfortable to be in conflict, disagreement, or on the defensive. Because of these feelings, sometimes, one is tempted to apologize and get the conflict over. Yet, an authentic and meaningful response to someone else’s “I message” (expression of their thoughts and feelings) includes acknowledgement of another person, (even if you don't agree with them), as well as a specific response.  It's not just about conflict, active listening brings people together, and encourages strong relationship building.

Sometimes we think we are listening and being helpful. Below is an example in comic strip form from Brene Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart”  She demonstrates what she calls “narrative tap out” when someone either shows disinterest or might shut down a conversation.  We also can see an example of “narrative take over”, which refers to shifting the focus in a conversation to oneself or questioning what the other person is saying.  One might shift the conversation to share one’s own experiences, which is often well meaning, and a common way to show connection.  We need to be aware of connection versus “take over”.   Notice below the "narrative tap out" and the "narrative take over"

There are most likely many times when someone wants to “vent”, but doesn’t want any help with solutions.  It might be tempting to help others solve things or give advice.  I often have to stop myself. and ask the person “do you want me to listen or do you want me to also give you advice?”  Asking this question can truly help with healthy communication and acknowledgement of each other. 

As we put our SEL building blocks together, once again, notice how they fit.  When one has self-awareness about their feelings, thoughts and actions, one can communicate their needs to others.  Communication is most effective after any “cool down” needed and using assertive language (I messages, firm and kind).  As we communicate, we also work on our active listening, acknowledging others, and creating any actions we need to support one another.