Social Emotional Learning for Adults: Part 2

Building Blocks of Healthy Communication

SEL skills focus on both the interpersonal and intrapersonal.  Interpersonal means “between people”, and intrapersonal signifies “within oneself”.  This week, I continue to focus on the domain of self-awareness (intrapersonal).  

As you may recall, I've stated how challenging it is to tease apart social and emotional skills since they are inter-related “puzzle pieces”, and it’s also helpful to think about them as “building blocks”.   Here’s a generic example:  I start with self awareness about my emotional state, and continue to work on my emotion vocabulary.  In turn, I am able to express myself better, more specifically to others, and strengthen my communication skills.  

Self-Awareness: How do I communicate my feelings and needs?

A fundamental building block of healthy communication is known as the “I message”.  The “I message” is simple and straightforward.  It can feel formulaic, and for those new to “I messages” formulaic is ok.  Remember, an “I message” is a building block.  

Here’s why “I messages” are important: 

“I messages” communicate to others about your feelings.  After you state how you feel, it's important to state what you want to do about it- what you need, wish, hope or want. Using “I messages” resolves problems or conflicts, and expresses one's feelings of thanks or gratitude. “I messages” are kind, calm and simple.  Using an “I message” helps you get your needs met, and allows others to hear you and respond.  

Here’s a very basic example: 

From a child: 

“I feel sad when you say I can not play with you, and I hope that you will include me in your game now.”  

Notice how this is different than a “you” message.

“You never let me play with you, and I am mad.”  

“You messages” can make others feel defensive.  

As an adult, think about an “I message” as assertive communication. This means that one is specific, clear, calm, and firm. Assertiveness is non-accusatory, and stated with kind tones. It helps others understand your feelings.

An “I message” (assertiveness) is action oriented. You might state “I feel hurt that you ignored my feelings, and I need you to know that.”  When acknowledged by someone, that may be as far as it goes. Maybe that’s all you needed.  In addition, maybe habits, behaviors, and communication strengthen. Remember, nobody can read each others’ minds. 

Key Points: One can not control another person’s response to you, and using “I messages” gets your feelings stated, not bottled up, makes you feel better, and often leads to better understanding. One needs to be calm and ready to talk before using assertive communication. If you are in an elevated state, you won’t be effective at all. (More on this in the next blog post)  

This week, when you find yourself with opportunities to use “I messages” for problem solving and gratitude, try it! This takes practice for all of us.