Social Emotional Learning for Adults: Part 3

Self-Management

This week, the focus is self-management.  The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) defines self-management as  “the ability to effectively regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors across different situations”  

As you read this definition, if you are like me, you are thinking “that is extremely hard!”  As with all SEL skills, we dig in, practice, and know it’s a lifelong process. When we are intentional about building this skill, it does happen!  

Self-management: Where do I start? 

A great starting place for building one’s own self-management is the “cool down tool”.  This skill involves thinking about your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors throughout different situations. What strategies might help you in times of escalated emotions?  Self management applies to both challenging and exciting situations. I’m focusing on challenges because managing our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors is more difficult when we experience “harder” emotions. 

Important note:  All emotions are valid.  Self management is not about failing to feel these emotions or telling them to go away.  On the contrary, self management is about recognizing all emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, while working on how to manage oneself in healthy ways. 

Example: 

 Instead of:

 “I wish I wasn’t so angry about x, ugh- this situation makes me feel awful”

Think about: 

 “I am angry about x and it’s making me feel awful because …….., Here’s what I will try to do about it” 

Cool Down

Cool down is one of the most important skills that everybody can practice and use.  Nothing improves, gets solved, or fosters understanding between people when our emotions are in an escalated state.  This is simple neuroscience. Heightened emotions signal “flight or fight” to our bodies, sending around cortisol, which impedes our ability to think about situations.  I have witnessed too many people trying to solve problems or resolve conflicts when they are in a heightened state. 

Try this:  Brainstorm at least 3 cool down strategies that you think will work for yourself.   Once you brainstorm 3 strategies, enter into the practice phase.  Practice, practice, practice them until they are more automatic for you to use.  If you are practicing, and one seems ineffective, replace it with another strategy.

I try using these strategies:

1. I take deep breaths

2. I take a walk or do some exercise

3. I talk to someone about my feelings and they help me process them

4. I will sometimes walk away (which is not avoidance, it’s a strategy to calm) then come back to the problem - maybe I just go to a quiet space or a different room in the house

5. Am I hungry or tired?  I try to take care of that physical state if that’s what may contribute to my hard emotions

   
   

Notice, all of these strategies require me to first be aware of what I am feeling and thinking.   Challenges we encounter are not always interpersonal (between people), often they are intrapersonal (a challenge/emotion within oneself). Naturally, different cool down strategies work for different situations. 

I often hear “this doesn’t work”, “I tried that”, “don’t tell me to use a tool, etc. etc. etc.”, Nothing works 100 percent of the time, and strategies will change and evolve.  Nobody can be perfect at this.  Cool down is an intentional practice.  Be kind to yourselves if things don't go smoothly in your self management practice. It’s ok, try again!

Final thoughts:  

• Many individuals believe that screaming or punching a pillow are cool down strategies. Neuroscience demonstrates that these types of actions maintain cortisol running through one's body, so they do not help the brain calm.  When you use a calming strategy, your brain will release serotonin instead.  Cortisol keeps you in a state of feeling danger, while serotonin helps calm the brain and body.